A healthy marriage is founded on friendship, dating, courtship, and engagement. Often times, our modern cultural norms prompt us to skip these steps. We go straight to exclusivity and courtship, a facebook engagement event (that was completely planned beforehand), and then directly to marriage. Planning for this marriage normally excludes the groom completely and takes place with the mother of the bride and the bride.
I know what you're thinking, why does all that matter? Or you might even be choosing those things because they seem like unnecessary risks.
Well dating is crucial because it helps us to know our preferences. It needs to be a casual, but special event between two potential mates. It needs to remain non-exclusive, but at the same time display interest in getting to know each other. It needs to be planned, paired off, and paid for. This type of dating will help both parties recognize traits in each other and see if they would like to continue with one another. It also helps the couple to learn how to share responsibilities together.
The planning of the marriage is an opportunity for the groom and the bride to practice planning together. It is one of the first large events that they have the opportunity to do so together. It allows them to strengthen their relationship. Following our societal norms, this relationship is not strengthened, but rather it strengthens, or destroys, the relationship between the mother of the bride and the bride. In the case of my wedding, it almost destroyed my wife's relationship with her mom, and my relationship with her (because I saw how she was treating my bride to be and I did not like it one bit!). Either outcome is undesired, because marriage and engagement is a specific time to strengthen the new couples relationship and start to build boundaries with their parents. It seems scary, but it's important to start building these boundaries to protect their own marriage. If they have no/open boundaries with their parents, it can cause uncomfortable things to happen, like talking about their spouse behind their back to their parents, in turn making the in-law's relationship with the spouse deteriorate.
Sometimes there are cases where a parent has a very open boundary with their child; they confide in them by talking to them about marriage issues. The parent could even expect the same type of relationship back from the child. Just because one person has a very open boundary (even if it is unhealthy) doesn't mean that the other has to reciprocate that same boundary. In fact, it is crucial that the child builds up their boundaries to have a healthy relationship with their spouse. If their spouse is not someone that they can confide in about ANY issue, there may be more serious underlying problems that need to be addressed.
This planning together, can be a great benefit in teaching the couple how to adjust to married life. They learn how to talk, compromise, and work together. It teaches them how to share responsibilities like finances/debt, purchase, and time (instead of killing time together, they share/plan their time). They put everything together, becoming unified as a couple.
Some of these things seem really scary, because they are not what we have been taught to do or have seen other's do. In fact, we might be warned by some to not do things this way, or that the societal norm is just fine. I just want to let you know, the loudest voice is the one that is going to be heard. Not many people advocate for these things, because they seem 'old fashioned'. The benefits of doing these things will strengthen your marriage and relationship with the person that you love.
No comments:
Post a Comment