Have you ever wondered, “why doesn’t my family understand me?” or, “why is [insert family member's name here] acting the way they are? I just can’t figure them out.” I have had both of those thoughts before, and this week I spent time trying to understand different social science theories that explain certain familial behaviors. A theory is an attempt to make an explanation to a phenomenon (an observation), and we make them because we want to predict, influence, or explain certain outcomes. We each make our own theories, whether we want to or not, consciously or subconsciously. The different theories that we make about behavior ends up influencing our behaviors. We change our own behavior to receive positive or desired outcomes. There is one specifically that I would like to bring to your attention because I think it can help you learn more about how to interact with your spouse, in-laws, immediate family, and extended families.
This crucial theory is called, "The Family System Theory." This explains that inside of the family system, there are sub-systems that group together. An example of this would be a husband and a wife working together or all four sons creating a support system within their family. The purpose of this is to help back up each other in difficult times and help give a feeling of security. This is especially true when multiple children come into the picture. This is important due to the boundaries that we put up to others inside and outside of our sub-units in the family. Some rules that apply to certain family members might not apply to others because of what sub-unit they fit in for my perspective of the family system. For example, I might let one of my brothers criticize me because I feel like they are in my support group, but I might get offended if one of my in-laws would make that same judgment. I believe this is important so that we can understand where we fit in to other’s perspective of family systems, and what types of actions we can do without over stepping our boundaries.
Some boundaries might be too closed; for example, we can’t discuss anything and don’t feel comfortable letting each other in. This would be like putting up a 12-foot-tall cinderblock fence around your house, with barbed wire. Scary, right? Other boundaries may be too open; this would be letting people overstep and do things that would be out of the normal for a healthy relationship, but not doing anything out to fix it. This could be like having no fence, and letting others to cut their own paths in your lawn, or even wandering into your house. Then there are clear boundaries, or a more balanced boundary. This would be like having a picket fence outside of your house, with a clear path leading to the front door. This is letting others know where your property is, but letting them know when and how it’s okay to get in. Another good way of looking at this type of boundary is, “we can talk about this…. and we can’t talk about that...” Both parties understand where the relationship lies and what is acceptable. Understanding how we fit in to a family unit, combined with an understanding of how boundaries work, allows us to work on making a more functional relationship.
Another important factor of understanding family systems are family roles. Relationships and roles can be fluid and flexible, nothing is set in stone. Examples of roles within a family would be: leaders, troublemakers/rebels, or peacekeepers. These roles are sometimes assigned, volunteered for, or just end up forming due to circumstances. These roles can affect both boundaries and sub-units within a family. Certain roles are crucial for having functionality and optimization of an entire family, like the roles of both males and females in parenting/upbringing situations. Roles can help us work together or tear us apart depending on how we choose to view and fulfill them.
I hope this shed some perspective on how family relationships work. I also hope that by taking a step back and examining your own family systems, boundaries, and roles/relationships you can decide where you would like to fit in and take steps towards achieving a happier family.
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