Dating, A Progressive Disappointment

    As time has progressed, many aspects of our cultures, habits, understandings, and traditions has changed. Out with the old and in with the new. This has formed a new and modern culture, which we have yet to seen the effects of because of just that, it's new. We can see how older culture affected us more because it has had time to be tested. New culture, from what we have seen, has brought several good and several bad effects about.

    A specific topic of the effects of changes in dating. In a more historical context, dating was more structured, but at the same time it was more casual. I know those aren't two words that we normally use together, but let me explain myself. Historically, you could go on dates with multiple people at a time, and it wasn't considered something exclusive. It was something that you could use to get to know more people, yourself, and your interests. You could date without an eye to marrying someone. In contrast, I believe I know one phrase that nearly sums up a modern view on dating, "Don't spend money dating someone else's wife." I first heard this when I returned from Ecuador and I laughed at it. I personally liked going on dates and had no qualms with spending money on dates. I loved the experience of trying new things, and it was even better if I could bring a pretty girl along. Although, I feel like most young men and women would share beliefs in what this phrase describes, or rather, "Don't waste time or dates." I think that it shows a huge difference in the amount of effort we are willing to expend now.

    Modern dating is all about putting the least amount of effort you can in, or making it so extravagant that you could only go on a date every so often. The extreme is where the danger lies. Dates are now seen as so extravagant, that it is easier to date someone by hanging out. In fact, it is becoming increasingly popular that some couples try and spend every waking moment with each other, only taking breaks to sleep. A reason why this may be popular is because it seems easier than actually trying to take someone out on dates. This, however, is dangerous because it has so little structure, and truly limits the capacity of how well you can get to know someone. Crucial dates with trust building activities turn into, "Let's just watch a movie" or "I'm going to work on homework while you..." It is no longer seen as a special time to bond and learn about one another.

    So, how can we change this? I think the most important thing to realize is that dating can be casual, fun, planned or spontaneous, and structured. Something that I have done with my wife, to help us have dating ideas, was to buy a book of dating ideas. I know, it sounds a little dumb, because you could just search up date ideas on the internet. We end up choosing a random date idea from the book, and commit ourselves to do it, even if it sounds like something that we might not be the most interested in. This has been a way that we can do something creative and new; It has helped us to further getting to know more about ourselves as a couple and as individuals. Now I know everyone isn't married, or even consistently dating a single person, but I still think this principle applies to everyone: don't be afraid to try new things. Make dating easy, and not feel like a huge commitment or obligation, but rather a way to experience something new with a special person.

Societal Roles and Gender

    Being recently married has been one of the most exciting adventures of my life. I get to learn, grow, and see the world in ways that I have never thought of before. I care about my wife deeply and was very selective in the process of finding someone to marry. I chose to marry my wife because she demonstrated the characteristics that I was looking for in a future spouse and partner in raising children.

    One of the reasons why traditional marriage is often times so successful at raising children is due to the natures and traits of men and women. We compliment each other deeply, and bring balance to each other. Men often times are seen as less likely to ask for help (independent), spatially oriented, object focused, rough housing, competitive, and more likely to show physical aggression. While women on the other side are caregiving/nurturing, open communicators, relationship/people focused, detail oriented (seeing more colors and hearing more sounds), oriented (physically) by landmarks or where things are in relation to each other, and more likely to be verbally aggressive. Now, not all men and women are the same, but we see a pattern in behavior between the two genders.

    At a glance, it may seem like I just made a list of opposites that men and women have, but it is much deeper than that. Each parent has separate and distinct responsibilities as individuals, and their traits help them to complete theirs. Men often times are usually seen to provide, protect, preside over the family, while women nurture and care for the family. Looking back at those traits it seems obviously clear how each of them tie back into the usual role of a family.

    Now that brings forth the question, "If I don't fit these general roles, is there something wrong with me?" Often times, when a woman displays traits of a man, it is seen as an extremely positive thing. They are applauded by society and encouraged as progressing. This can be positive and negative for several reasons, but is highly dependent on the situation that it occurs in. I mean, personally, some of the reasons why I decided to marry my wife is because she shows some of both gender's traits. That is what I was looking for to compliment myself; I also show several traits from both genders. 

    On the flip side of how we see women who show masculine traits, we often see men who show feminine traits in a negative connotation. We seem to see them as lesser than other men, and tend to de-masculinize them. This is common not only in young children who make fun of the boys who are different, but also in adults! How sad is it that we bully men into being men! What woman wouldn't want to marry a man who is tender, kind, detail oriented, people focused, etc? The worst part of this, is the trauma that occurs because of the separation from certain social groups that these men face. Often times these men are chased away from being in social groups of their same gender. They are different, and in turn they are cast out. This creates a void in that man's life, because they are no longer accepted within their own gender group. This can cause them to crave that acceptance and subconsciously become confused about their role in society. 

    My invitation to all those who read this would be to stop, and help encourage acceptance and love towards all of our cohorts in life. It is to help those that might be different, to be accepted and love them for who they are. There is no reason why we need to put those men, who might be tender hearted, down and cast them from societal acceptance.  

Family Structure and Status

    I've often thought about what types of opportunities have been afforded to me, while some people don't have those same opportunities: A stable job, a high school education, higher education, not having to worry about where my next meal is coming from, having access to clean water. While I was living in Ecuador, I saw many people from all sorts of social status backgrounds. Some people lived in extremely nice houses with beautiful furniture and a beautiful view. Others lived in shacks with walls made of sugar cane and dirt floors, the only source of water being a hose ran through the wall to a makeshift bucket sink. I have often thought, what affords the opportunity to live on a certain rung of the social status ladder? Is it pure luck? Being born rich or poor? Can those who are on lower rungs work their way up to the top easily?

    I believe it could be a mixture of all these factors, but I think that it has to do much with the family structure that we are born in. The reason why is because that is how we learn the way life should be, and it influences the decisions that we make as we create our own models of our families. It's not set in stone that we have to live in the same way our families did, but we learn certain habits, behaviors, cultures, and traditions from them. Family culture passes through generations, this helps us to develop into the people we are actively. This pattern continues unless something specific intervenes with it. That brings forth the question: Are all family structures valid?

    To answer this question, I would like to share more of the meaning behind the word "valid." Something that is valid produces a desired result or is effective. My opinion of the validity of family structures is that they are not all the same. Since families follow patterns and traditions are inherited, it causes that certain results may be accepted in some families, but may be rejected in others. Or rather, different family cultures produce different results in how a person grows. If I grow up in a divorced family, it makes it much more likely that I would imitate that same family structure in my life.

    For example, this family structure could affect status due to the resource constraints that exist when only a single parent is raising several kids. These resources not only include food, money, or living conditions, but also things like time. A single parent has much less time to raise their children because they need to provide necessities of life. This not only causes financial difficulties though; it could also cause an imbalance of the family structure. Rather than having a traditional two parent unit, there is only one parent, that is only in the picture part of the time. This causes the children to start taking leadership positions within the family. You many be wondering, why is that such a big deal? Well, think about it, how could a 15-year-old raising their younger sibling go wrong? They don't have the same life experience, that adults do, to be able to help their children. The scariest part is that since this is how the children are raised, they are more likely to raise their kids with the same family structure. In turn, this causes them to have the same disadvantages of resources. Although, this type of influence is also seen on the opposite side of the spectrum: a traditional family will raise children more likely to have that same family structure, with its advantages.

    Now, in no way am I saying that all children of single parents are doomed to fail or that a single parent family cannot be high class. Nor is every traditional family ideal and advantageous. I repeat, our lives are not set in stone based off of what our parents lived. A situation as above may end up being okay too, but we must be wary of the influence our family's structure have on us. I feel like the most important question to ask ourselves is, 'Does the culture that we are making meet the children's needs?' Our future generations are affected most by what we do now.

The Key to Understanding Behavior

        Have you ever wondered, “why doesn’t my family understand me?” or, “why is [insert family member's name here] acting the way they are? I just can’t figure them out.” I have had both of those thoughts before, and this week I spent time trying to understand different social science theories that explain certain familial behaviors. A theory is an attempt to make an explanation to a phenomenon (an observation), and we make them because we want to predict, influence, or explain certain outcomes. We each make our own theories, whether we want to or not, consciously or subconsciously. The different theories that we make about behavior ends up influencing our behaviors. We change our own behavior to receive positive or desired outcomes. There is one specifically that I would like to bring to your attention because I think it can help you learn more about how to interact with your spouse, in-laws, immediate family, and extended families.

        This crucial theory is called, "The Family System Theory." This explains that inside of the family system, there are sub-systems that group together. An example of this would be a husband and a wife working together or all four sons creating a support system within their family. The purpose of this is to help back up each other in difficult times and help give a feeling of security. This is especially true when multiple children come into the picture. This is important due to the boundaries that we put up to others inside and outside of our sub-units in the family. Some rules that apply to certain family members might not apply to others because of what sub-unit they fit in for my perspective of the family system. For example, I might let one of my brothers criticize me because I feel like they are in my support group, but I might get offended if one of my in-laws would make that same judgment. I believe this is important so that we can understand where we fit in to other’s perspective of family systems, and what types of actions we can do without over stepping our boundaries. 

        Some boundaries might be too closed; for example, we can’t discuss anything and don’t feel comfortable letting each other in. This would be like putting up a 12-foot-tall cinderblock fence around your house, with barbed wire. Scary, right? Other boundaries may be too open; this would be letting people overstep and do things that would be out of the normal for a healthy relationship, but not doing anything out to fix it. This could be like having no fence, and letting others to cut their own paths in your lawn, or even wandering into your house. Then there are clear boundaries, or a more balanced boundary. This would be like having a picket fence outside of your house, with a clear path leading to the front door. This is letting others know where your property is, but letting them know when and how it’s okay to get in. Another good way of looking at this type of boundary is, “we can talk about this…. and we can’t talk about that...” Both parties understand where the relationship lies and what is acceptable. Understanding how we fit in to a family unit, combined with an understanding of how boundaries work, allows us to work on making a more functional relationship.

        Another important factor of understanding family systems are family roles. Relationships and roles can be fluid and flexible, nothing is set in stone. Examples of roles within a family would be: leaders, troublemakers/rebels, or peacekeepers. These roles are sometimes assigned, volunteered for, or just end up forming due to circumstances. These roles can affect both boundaries and sub-units within a family. Certain roles are crucial for having functionality and optimization of an entire family, like the roles of both males and females in parenting/upbringing situations. Roles can help us work together or tear us apart depending on how we choose to view and fulfill them.

        I hope this shed some perspective on how family relationships work. I also hope that by taking a step back and examining your own family systems, boundaries, and roles/relationships you can decide where you would like to fit in and take steps towards achieving a happier family.