Intimacy, a Blessing of Frustration

     Intimacy is a challenge! It can be hard to make it happen. I know, most younger people are probably wondering if I'm serious, they might even be thinking something along the lines of, "How could it be a challenge? I couldn't turn these feelings off, even if I wanted to!" A sexual relationship between a man and a woman has many challenges, benefits, and can bring harmony to a relationship. Some of those challenges might be incorrect judgements or misunderstandings, frustration, anxiety, vulnerability, and resentment. Some of the benefits could be harmony within the relationship, a growth in love and closeness, protection, communication, children, interdependence, and vulnerability (I know, weird that it's a challenge but also a benefit). I might not have enough space here to write about everything, I would love to shed light on some of the challenges and solutions.

    Often times one of the most common incorrect judgements is caused by the different ways that men and women crave sex. Often times, a woman wants to feel safe, warm, and close to someone before they want sex with a man. Man, in most cases, requires sex to feel safe, warm, and close to someone. Can you see where this might cause some problems? Often times this leads to women thinking that men are pigs and only want sex, or men thinking that women are prudes or withholding intimacy from them (and in turn withholding love and closeness). This causes disputes and unfair judgements of one or both of the partners, because both just want to feel closer, safe, and grow a deeper love of the other. I think to overcome this problem, it is important for both parties involved to step past their nature in part and do their best to make sure the other's needs are met. This helps grow the relationship in more than just intimacy, but helps both partners grow aware of each other in a new and extraordinary way.

    Another challenge to intimacy is frustration. There are many different ways that a couple could become frustrated during or around intimacy. One way is the different arousal periods that each other have. Sometimes one or the other isn't feeling aroused and that could bring sexual frustration into the equation. I don't think this is inherently wrong, its okay to not feel aroused exactly when your partner does feel so. I believe it becomes an issue when it happens frequently, thats when frustration comes into the equation. I think the best solution to this is to remember the above. It's also important to remember what both parties need to feel aroused. Often times, due to the nature of our genitalia, men feel more arousal; Physically it is easier for a man to become aroused and often times the time from arousal to climax is shorter than women's. Men also cannot climax more than one time in a short period, there is a refractory period in the which our bodies need to recover. This could also be another source of frustration, but for the female party, which would be left unsatisfied. Females often take longer to climax, and are able to climax multiple times. I believe that this challenge can be overcome with one of the benefits of intimacy: communication. When a couple participate in intimacy, it can be a scary thing. It requires that both parties communicate their preferences and help each other with those preferences. This helps couples be more comfortable with the idea of communicating, especially communicating needs, and listening to each other. Once again, overcoming this challenge can deepen a couple's love for each other and help them in more aspects of their relationship than just intimacy.

    The last topic I would like to touch is vulnerability. It is a challenge because while being intimate, you are exposing yourself completely to another person, in both an emotional and physical manner. This is the most vulnerable position you are able to put yourself in. The beautiful part of this though, is that it can also be a benefit. It teaches interdependence, being able to rely on the other in a vulnerable moment, and honesty with issues. These skills directly translate into other aspects of life, and help a couple to grow with each other, and deepen their love for one another.

The Lifecycle of a Healthy Relationship and Modern Misconceptions

     A healthy marriage is founded on friendship, dating, courtship, and engagement. Often times, our modern cultural norms prompt us to skip these steps. We go straight to exclusivity and courtship, a facebook engagement event (that was completely planned beforehand), and then directly to marriage. Planning for this marriage normally excludes the groom completely and takes place with the mother of the bride and the bride.

    I know what you're thinking, why does all that matter? Or you might even be choosing those things because they seem like unnecessary risks.

    Well dating is crucial because it helps us to know our preferences. It needs to be a casual, but special event between two potential mates. It needs to remain non-exclusive, but at the same time display interest in getting to know each other. It needs to be planned, paired off, and paid for. This type of dating will help both parties recognize traits in each other and see if they would like to continue with one another. It also helps the couple to learn how to share responsibilities together.

    The planning of the marriage is an opportunity for the groom and the bride to practice planning together. It is one of the first large events that they have the opportunity to do so together. It allows them to strengthen their relationship. Following our societal norms, this relationship is not strengthened, but rather it strengthens, or destroys, the relationship between the mother of the bride and the bride. In the case of my wedding, it almost destroyed my wife's relationship with her mom, and my relationship with her (because I saw how she was treating my bride to be and I did not like it one bit!). Either outcome is undesired, because marriage and engagement is a specific time to strengthen the new couples relationship and start to build boundaries with their parents. It seems scary, but it's important to start building these boundaries to protect their own marriage. If they have no/open boundaries with their parents, it can cause uncomfortable things to happen, like talking about their spouse behind their back to their parents, in turn making the in-law's relationship with the spouse deteriorate. 

    Sometimes there are cases where a parent has a very open boundary with their child; they confide in them by talking to them about marriage issues. The parent could even expect the same type of relationship back from the child. Just because one person has a very open boundary (even if it is unhealthy) doesn't mean that the other has to reciprocate that same boundary. In fact, it is crucial that the child builds up their boundaries to have a healthy relationship with their spouse. If their spouse is not someone that they can confide in about ANY issue, there may be more serious underlying problems that need to be addressed.

    This planning together, can be a great benefit in teaching the couple how to adjust to married life. They learn how to talk, compromise, and work together. It teaches them how to share responsibilities like finances/debt, purchase, and time (instead of killing time together, they share/plan their time). They put everything together, becoming unified as a couple.

    Some of these things seem really scary, because they are not what we have been taught to do or have seen other's do. In fact, we might be warned by some to not do things this way, or that the societal norm is just fine. I just want to let you know, the loudest voice is the one that is going to be heard. Not many people advocate for these things, because they seem 'old fashioned'. The benefits of doing these things will strengthen your marriage and relationship with the person that you love.